Transformers: Excelion
by Dragonde
Summary: Starscream has accidentaly transported the most annoying human of all time to the Decepticon Base, and a mysterious figure from both Optimus Prime and Megatron's past is revealed. But even they are not sure what this mysterious person's agenda is.....
1. Pests

**Ok, just to clear things up, I'm Typhon and I'm the editor. I didn't write this. This was written by dragonde, but I uploaded it due to dragonde's limited internet access****. I added bits and pieces and altered some dialogue**** I also gave it some tweaking.**** I may in future write some of it. Transformers ****belongs to**** Hasbro****, maybe someone else**** (Do they still belong to Takara?)****. Anyway, not me**** Just wanted to make that clear so I don't get sued.**** Some of the later ****characters may**** belong to one ****of us****. If they do I will put a note at the end of a chapter****, to avoid spoilers. The story is not in any particular continuity, but the transformer war is over the mini-cons, like in armada. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THE STORY IS SET IN ARMADA****. IT IS SET IN A NEW CONTINUITY WHICH DRAGONDE AND MYSELF MADE UP. ****Right. On with the story.****And p****lease in the name of Primus don't take****it**** seriously.**

Megatron was bored. No Mini-Con alerts meant no fighting with the Autoscum and no devious plots from Starscream or Sideways to steal his throne. While said plots were always irritating, they did help alleviate his boredom on occasions such as this one.

Speaking of Starscream, Megatron recalled that he was supposed to be working on a project.

_I'll go and see how he's progressing,_ Megatron thought._ And I will find fault with him and beat hi__m, ye__-e__s__s_

* * *

Megatron's optics glowed with the thought.

Starscream sighed, mulling over why his new undetectable warp gate wasn't working. He scanned the conclusions for the thousandth time. Scraping his last test clean, he redid all his calculations, but the piece of scrap sill refused to work!

Screaming with frustration, Starscream threw his data pad at the door, hitting Megatron on the head as he entered the room.

Megatron's optics narrowed, ever so slightly.

"Starscream," he hissed. "What were you doing?"

"Errrrrrmm... Shouting in joy that I've made a major breakthrough in my project, Lord Megatron. Sir." Starscream stuttered, trying to worm his way out of a beating.

"Oh," Megatron eyed the squirming red Decepticon in front of him, not believing a word of it. "That did not sound like a shout of joy to me, Starscream, no-oo, it sounded like a shout of failure, which would mean that you lied to me...you do know what happens to people who lie to me, don't you, Starscream?"

"Ah," began Starscream, "Well, you see, through, um, analysing the quantum physics of the warp gate," he mumbled, making it up as he went along. "And, er," his optics lit up as he found an appropriate sheet "light mass times hyper speed, multiplied by processing speed divided by Energon and minus the mass of the actual warp gate." He finally finished, seeming quite pleased with his speech. Pausing he added, "Or at least theoretically."

"Oh," said Megatron, still processing the information. "What do you mean, _theoretically?_

"Well, it's a highly complex subject, and seeing as how you won't lower the warp guard in my lab I am having problems testing out the theory" Starscream snapped.

Megatron narrowed his optics, and he smiled slightly.

"Starscream." He said, "Are you questioning my orders?"

"Of course not, Mighty Megatron," Starscream mocked, tone cynical.

Megatron raised his fusion cannon to Starscream's face.

"Are you insulting me?" he snarled.

"No, my Lord, now please leave me to complete my task, and maybe I can get it to work."

It took all of Megatron's self-control (which, admittedly, was not much,) to keep from grimacing; the sound of his lieutenant's high, raspy, and generally whining voice, coupled with his slightly cynical demeanour, was almost more than Megatron could bear. For a moment, he considered pulling the trigger and being rid of Starscream for good.

From outside, the sound of poorly-concealed laughter and sniggering drifted into the metallic room. Megatron cocked his head at the noise. He dropped his arm.

"Very well. I expect a report within the next thirty-eight Earth minutes. You had better have made some progress." Megatron left. From outside the room, Starscream could hear shouts of pain, soon followed by pleas for mercy from both Cyclonus and Demolisher.

Starscream collapsed in his chair, thankful that he avoided a beating due to the fact that he was still recovering from the last one. He suspected he would still not be fully functional for two joors, at the very least. Suddenly (causing Starscream to jump at least two feet in the air,) the Mini-Con alert sounded.

"Great." He muttered. Megatron and the other pests got to have fun while he was stuck here with a dead end project he was regretting ever taking. Sighing, he sat down for another few hours of wrestling with complex formulas.

...5 Cycles later...

"Yess!" Starscream hissed typing his new formulas into the computer with only one arm. (The other hung by his side, horribly mangled. It had been a bad idea to suggest dropping his project.) The screen flashed. "_Warning! Warning!" _

"Hnuh?" said Starscream, his triumphant smile disappearing as he read the results. "Data incompatible! What is this computer on about?" Starscream screeched. "All my data is valid!"

Hearing a sneering chuckle, Starscream turned to see a Mech with a black-and-red paint job leaning against the wall, in his customary position with arms folded, and a lowered head with a dark, always-mirthless gaze, even while laughing. Sideways. Of course. Starscream lifted his head, and had the rare (dis)pleasure of meeting Sideway's burning optics.

"Something you want, Sideways?" asked Starscream. Silence was his only reply.

"A problem, gentlemen?" came Megatron's commanding voice.

"Megatron." Sideways greeted his employer. "It would seem that your Lieutenant has failed again."

Starscream hurriedly altered some data as Sideways explained.

Smirking a little, Starscream saluted his leader (with his good arm).

"Mighty Megatron, Sideways lies, you see, my Lord," said Starscream, turning the computer screen towards Megatron.

One word shone brightly from the screen: Error.

_Slaggit all,_ thought Starscream.

"Just a little bug in the system, my Lord, nothing a couple more Orns won't fix, maybe two Joors."

"Demonstration in my throne room. You have 12 Cycles."

"Sideways. I expect you to be there."

Megatron left.

"Shit."

Starscream stared at Sideways. The Mercenary had a tendency to pick up the mannerisms of whatever planet he was currently on, and could swear fluently in several languages. While on Earth, he had begun to abbreviate his sentences, something Cybertronians hardly ever did. Despite his odd manner of speaking, Sideways had an odd, foreign, almost cultured accent. He turned to Starscream.

" 'S nothing personal," he stated. "Business. Doesn't pay to lie to an employer."

He walked out.

Starscream shook his head. He could understand why Megatron paid for the Bot's services, being a Triple-changer and all, but that odd habit of his...

"Weird bugger." Muttered Starscream to himself.

_Agh! Now he's got me doing it!_

_12 Cycles later (duh!)..._

"As you can see, Mighty Megatron, my formula is highly complex and untested. So prepare to be amazed!" stated Starscream, tapping in the coordinates for the Autobase. He smiled as the familiar shimmering warp gate opened.

"After you, Sideways." smiled Megatron.

Sideways edged toward the gate, giving Megatron a look that said that this was certainly not in his job description. Despite Sideways' normally emotionless demeanour, he seemed more than a little apprehensive about Starscream's new invention.

"Go on." Drawled the Tyrant with a nod of his head, utterly enjoying himself.

Just as Sideways was about to enter the warp gat it changed from the normal fiery red to a deep black. Blue lightning burst from its void. It burned, burned like the heart of a dying star, with all the empty _nothing _of a black hole.

"What did you do, Sideways!" snarled Starscream, stepping forward.

"Starscream," began Megatron. "I am going t-" He was cut short by a computer monitor crashing into him.

Sideways struggled against nothing.

"Primus. Primus help me... I can't _go._"

"What?" gasped Starscream. _He can't teleport._

The other Decepticons watched, paralysed. The light blazed, drawing all optics towards it. (Except Megatron, he was offline under the computer monitor). The light faded, revealing a human figure that briefly stood, before collapsing to the floor.

The 'gate shifted, pulsing inward, the exploding like a supernova that engulfed the room, the galaxy, the universe! No, not really. But it certainly seemed so to the Decepticons, who stood staring blankly at the empty space.

Starscream stared at them. "Well, you fools?" he snapped. "Get Megatron to the repair bay and this human in a cage."

"Yes sir!" came the answer.

"And someone get this room cleared!" he added as an afterthought. He would deal with Megatron and the human later. Right now his processor was pounding. He needed some time out. With that thought he limped to his quarters, hung up his guns, and slipped into a recharge cycle.

* * *

**Hi, thanks for reading. I wanted Starscream to have a little more authority as he **_**is **_**the second-in-command of the Decpticons. ****The human belongs kind of to me, because it was my idea to have it in the story, although Dragonde will be writing the original scenes with "it" in. Anyway, I thought I'd make the units of time the transformers use in this fic clear:**

Astrosecond- 0.25 of a second

Nano-klick- one second

Klick- a minute

Breem- 8.3 minutes

Cycle- 2 hours

Orn- Cybertronian day ( 18 Joors)

Joor- a week (Cybertronian week- 9 days)

Deca-Cycle- a year (400 days)

Vorn-83 years

Stellar cycle-A millennia

**Anyway, me and Dragonde don't have much writing experience and this is our first fic, so constructive criticism would be appreciated. **


	2. Insults

**Hi, Typhon here. This one might be shorter and will be written mostly by me. I'll bug Dragonde to write more soon. Here we goooooooooo...!**

**Oh yeah, and please shoot me for procrastinating.**

The red and white Mech swaggered arrogantly into the room. The human was female- as best Starscream could tell. And even smaller than the other humans Starscream had seen.

Starscream walked over to the humans' cage and bent down to examine the creature. It didn't seem _overly _fearful. Why not? Of course. He had asked Soundwave to make sure it was put in a cage, and to check that it was undamaged. He didn't really trust any of the others to do the job, save perhaps Sideways, and he was in no state to do anything. That left Soundwave. Soundwave was sensible. Sideways would have been careful too. After all, it didn't _pay_ to make mistakes.

He turned his attention back to the human. It was small, smaller than most he had seen. Despite Soundwave looking after it, and calming it, no doubt, (He could be quite empathic at times, even with lower forms of life- he was a medic after all.) It still would be a little nervous of him, surely? 

And it was. It was trembling, though it tried to hide it. Oh, how _admirable_. The corner of Starscream's mouth twitched, just a little. Pathetic creature.

He opened the cage, and picked up the creature, and turned it, examining it. He never had a chance to properly study a human. It struggled and yelled, of course. He dropped it rather unceremoniously on a desk. It yelped as it landed. _How fragile,_ thought Starscream. He sneered, and stared at the human. Perhaps he could have a little fun with it. It had picked itself up and was staring at him, pupils dilating slightly. "Hmm..." said Starscream in a thoughtful manner. He went to pick up the human again, and it scrambled away. Chuckling, Starscream flicked it's legs from beneath it with his finger. It fell face first onto the metal desk. It rolled onto it's back, glaring at him. He smiled widely. _Oh, look, it's_ _angry... _

It tried to get up, but Starscream pushed his index finger into it's stomach. It tried to push his finger off. Laughable. And then it kicked him. Starscream was stunned. Had it actually tried to attack him? But surely it knew that was pointless? Nonetheless, he dug the finger further, not stopping until he got cry of pain for his troubles. He raised the Transformer equivalent of an eyebrow. "You want to be careful, human." 

It choked out something. "Sorry," Starscream mocked, "I couldn't _hear _you"

"I said... I have... A name." The human's voice came out twisted, like a growl.

Starscream optics glowed. _It has a name!_ He had to stop himself from laughing out loud, then. "Well, human? Let's hear this _name _of yours!" he couldn't help it; he laughed. _A name!_

"Dagny."

Starscream completely cracked up, his laughter resounding off the metal walls. 

"You think it's a stupid name?" asked Dagny.

"No, it's wonderful," answered Starscream before laughing again.

"You're a jerk."

Starscream stopped laughing and looked at the human, who was still pinned beneath his finger. "I told you to be careful, human." He grabbed Dagny by the chin, between his thumb and forefinger, and lifted her into the air. She grabbed his fingers and tried to kick him. He squeezed tighter. Dagny yelled. "Let go! You'll break my jaw!"

"As you wish." He threw her back onto the desk. She landed painfully. "Well, human, it seems we are going to have to lay down some rules."

"What kind of rules?"

"Oh, nothing much. But you _will _show me respect and you _will_ follow orders. If not, I will be forced to discipline you. Do we have an understanding?"

"Get a life, loser."

"Clearly not. It seems I have some teaching to do."

But Starscream didn't try to hurt Dagny. He just sat at the desk and watched her for a while. "Just who are you, anyway?" asked Dagny.

"Starscream, Sub-commander of the Decepticons."

"If I said I was a pleasure to meet you, I'd be lying." Starscream made no comment, but instead asked, "What was it like? The warp gate, I mean."

"Y' mean that portal thingy?"

"Yeah. That "Portal thingy." 

Dagny blinked. "I don't remember much. Just a lot of blue light... and it- it hurt." Answered Dagny, looking away.

"A difficult admission, human?" smiled Starscream.

"Kinda."

The smile widened. 

The two were silent for a moment, but then Dagny looked up at Starscream, who seemed to be deep in thought. "Starscream?" she asked quietly.

"What, human?"

"What are you going to do with me?" 

Starscream looked down at Dagny. The human had a worried expression on her face, as if she were afraid of the answer. But there was a pleading look in her eyes, too, that demanded honesty. These humans were indeed a study in contradictions. He sighed, an odd, metallic sound to Dagny's ears. "That will be for Megatron to decide."

"Who now?"

"My Commander."

"I see..."

"_Do_ you now?" 

"Yes." 

Starscream smiled; he found the human's blunt reply amusing. "Ah. And what, exactly, do you see, my little creature?"

"That... you... you're some kind of... military organization."

"Oh, _how brilliant. _Could you _be_ any more perceptive, human?"

"Shut up."

"Ah, yes. There is the small matter of your..._lesson_. No, I didn't forget," smiled Starscream, seeing the human's dismayed face. The human winced as he said this. 

"Now..." he continued. "What to do with you..." He grinned suddenly, and grabbed a broken wire from a small (by Transformer standards) Date pad. It was sparking. He pinned Dagny down. 

The human's eyes dilated as the wire came close to her face. The sparks danced in her eyes like fireworks during Diwali, or the Chinese New year, or the fourth of July, or Guy Fawkes Night, or any 

other celebration that was used as an excuse to have fireworks. But unlike and of those, _these _fireworks did not make Dagny in the least bit cheerful. 

Starscream thrust the wire forward.

Dagny yelped and closed her eyes.

Nothing.

Starscream began to laugh.

Dagny opened her eyes.

He was holding the wire just millimetres away from her face. And he was laughing. 

"Y-you-!"

"I had you. Didn't I? I had you there, human."

"I... guess so."

"Sir?" came an irritating voice. "Sir, Commander Megatron is online and he wants to se you, sir."

Starscream cringed mentally. "Alright." He turned to face the youngster. Starscream didn't think he should have been allowed to come to come to Earth, but Starscream, despite wielding a great deal of authority, was not in charge. Cyclonus was standing there nervously, looking at the floor as his superior stared him down. _"Well?"_ said Starscream.

"...Sir?"

"What else do you want?"

"Oh! Well, sir, um you see..."

"Out with it!" barked the Decepticon Second-in-Command.

"Weeelll... me and Demolisher wanted to know if we could see the Squishy, please, sir?"

"No."

"But, Sir-"

"No."

"Yes, Sir."

"Good. Dismissed. And do something useful and tell Soundwave he's in charge of looking after our..." Starscream smiled "New pet."

"Hey!" yelled Dagny.

"Be quiet, human."

"No!"

"Shut up!"

Starscream noticed Cyclonus was still there, so he turned and shoved his face right into Cyclonus'.

"Scram." He hissed.

Cyclonus scrammed.

Starscream grinned as he watched the rookie speed off. "Well? I'm good, aren't I human?"

"Get lost, Screamer."

The human had a point, Starscream thought. It probably wasn't a good idea to keep Megatron waiting. Especially as Megatron was probably very, very angry with him. 

Starscream was already a good way down the corridor when something made him stop. He frowned in a confused manner.

"_Screamer?"_

**Hi! I wrote most of this stuff. Apart from the "New pet." Thing and Cyclonus referring to humans as "Squishies." Yeah. Dragonde came up with the "Dagny is talking to Starscream and annoying him." Idea. The original chapter was a LOT shorter. I KNOW it has way too much dialogue, but it was fun to write. Most of the dialogue is mine. Starscream is not a nice person is he? He is nicer in Armada, but... I want to put new spins on the characters. Soundwave... will be totally different, and I thought the 'Cons needed a Medic. Oh, yeah... and I think this chapter was weird. This story will consist of Humour, a little bit of darkness, possible soppy/cute scenes (Kind of if you took Good Night Mister Tom and made it RUBBISH, instead of the awesome Book/film it actually is..) and on GIANT helping of my natural quirkiness. In other words, it will be quite possibly the biggest mess you've ever read. Now I'm getting out of here before Cyclonus comes looking for more Squishies. **


	3. Superior

**C hapter four. Compeltely written by me, Typhon, this time. Okay, a message to the reviewers:**

**Thanks to all of you, especially Starswoop. And Jcat... don't worry, I'm not mad at all. You alerted me to the fact I hadn't explained the continuity properly, so here goes: This story is set in a new continuity which is a bit like Armada (hence the Mini-Con reference in the first chapter.) There are a few differences, however, which are**

**Some transformers will have new paint jobs and different abilities, like Sideways (think his cybertron version, but with red where the orange would be and you'll be close) oh yeah, and Sidey has new alt-forms and he is a mercenary, which is why he refers to Megatron as his "Employer".**

**Sounwave is part of the Decepticon team and his character is fairly different (but he's still Soundwave.)**

**Starscream is a little more evil than his Armada counterpart. (and perhaps a bit more cowardly.)**

**There may be other differences in the future... but I probably won't list them.**

**That's about it actually.**

**Now, on to the story! **

**:WARNING! EXTREME RANDOMNESS WILL ENSUE FROM THIS POINT ON!:**

Starscream steeled himself (pun intended) in preparation of entering the infirmary. This was not going to be fun. Not at all.

Oh, well.

He entered the room, and found that his prediction had been correct. As Sideways would put it...

Megatron was NOT a happy bunny.

The Decepticon leader was sitting on a recharge bay, glaring at his hapless lieutenant, who was looking rather uncomfortable, like an oyster out of its shell. "Starscream."

"Sir." Starscream replied, saluting and bowing. Being the Decepticon Sub-Commander, he wasn't required to bow in the way the others did. He still had to kneel when he entered the throne room, but none of the Decepticons really had to do anything except salute when reporting.

Still, in a situation like this one, Starscream felt it best to play it safe.

Megatron frowned. "Report." He ordered curtly. Starscream nodded, and proceeded to describe recent events to his commander. "I've put Soundwave in charge of looking after the human, sir."

"I see. Why was that, Starscream?"

This caught Starscream off-guard. Megatron hadn't asked him about a decision since...

_Since before I became the Decepticon Sub-Commander,_ he thought. Megatron had regularly asked such questions to Decepticons being considered for high ranks, and he had taken special interest in Starscream. Not at first, though. It took a lot to impress Megatron. Especially when you made such a bad first impression. Then again, Starscream had been young at the time. It wasn't his fault that he froze with terror when he first met Megatron- was it?



"Starscream!" Yelled Megatron. "Stop having a flashback and answer the question!"

"Yes Sir!" said Starscream. He was getting a little nervous. Megatron was getting dangerously close to breaking the Fourth Wall, which was absolutely prohibited. The Fourth Wall was a phenomenally powerful force in the universe, much like Murphy's Law, but more so. He had better answer quickly.

"I put Soundwave in charge because I believe him to be the most responsible member of our team, and because as a medic he will be best equipped to deal with any problems that may occur, such as sickness."

"I see." Stated Megatron again. "Starscream, I want you to take care of the human."

"W-_what?_"

"I _said,_ Starscream, that you will-" Megatron stopped, and cocked his head, as if listening.

Starscream listened too, and heard an odd bleeping noise, like a rather primitive form of music. Megatron got up and walked towards the door. Starscream followed.

It didn't take them long to find the cause of the noise.

Cyclonus was standing in a corner, hammering excitedly away on what looked suspiciously like an oversized version of one of those human games machines. He hadn't noticed the two larger Bots staring at him.

"What are you doing, Cyclonus?"

"YES! DIE, PIKACHU!! YOU CANNOT STAND AGANST THE AWESOME POWER OF MY CHARIZARD!!"

"...Cyclonus?"

The rookie looked up.

"Oh... hello, Sir..."

Megatron glared at the young Decepticon. "Give me that." He grabbed the oversized Gameboy (for that was what it was) and hurled it at the wall.

"NOOOO!" hollered Cyclonus, diving after it. "My level 100 Charizard!" he caught the device and sighed with relief.

"Cyclonus-" began Megatron.

"Please let me keep it, Sir! I finished all my duties, I swear!"

Megatron stared at the rookie for a while. "...Fine."

"Oh, thank you, Sir, you won't regret thi-"

"I already do!" Snapped the Commander. He sighed in an exaggerated manner. "I think I need a break in cryo-regeneration." He walked over to a nearby desk, and picked up a small yellow object. "Ducky!" he smiled delightedly, staring at the rubber duck with something close to affection. He stroked it gently. Feeling a bit disturbed, Starscream left the room.

_A Random amount of time later..._

Cyclonus was bashing away happily on his gameboy, occasionally shouting words of exultation or disappointment, when he go a chill up his spine. This was very unnerving, because Cyclonus didn't actually have a spine. It was a sick, disturbing chill, which crept into his psyche, dismembering his thoughts and twisting his mind into a grotesque and unnatural shape. Which it pretty much was anyway.

Megatron could not give such a feeling. Terror, yes. Intimidation, yes. But this sick feeling, this emotion of creeping _horror,_ this could only be...

Quivering with dread, Cyclonus looked up, and his optics met a dark, blank visor. A void. Soundwave certainly had an interesting effect on people. Undoubtedly, he _could_ be quite understanding of other's emotions. He _could_ seem kind, even compassionate- odd for a Decepticon. But then, Soundwave was a study in contradictions. He was a specialist. He rarely joined in battles with the Autobots. He was a medic.

And a torture specialist.

Because Soundwave understood how others thought. He was a telepath. And an absolute _master_ of psychological warfare. But for the most part, he kept up that emotionless facade of his.

In short, Soundwave was an enigma.

So it's no wonder Cyclonus jumped a little when Soundwave's slim, delicate index finger pointed straight a him. Or, rather, at his gameboy.

"Y-yes, Sir, c-can I h-help y-y-you, Sir?" Cyclonus managed to splutter.

Soundwave did not reply, but rather brought out his own oversized gameboy and link cable, tapped Cylonus' gameboy, and mechanically proclaimed:

"_Soundwave: superior." _

**Yeah, Cyclonus plays pokemon... I know it was weird, and mostly pointless but I HAD to do this. Really. Anyway, next chapter Dagny meets Megatron. which will be fun. (But not for Dagny.)**

**Autobot fans... you're in for a bit of a wait, I'm afraid.**


End file.
